awareness and acceptance

Earlier on I came across this quote that kinda sticks to my mind, and I started applying it in my daily life.

It says 'the first step to change is awareness'.

So, I started paying attention to my line of thoughts, my actions, my words, my body language, my reactions, as well as looking at how people response to me, both verbally and non-verbally. I even went on to stay quiet in a group conversation and observing my friends talking. And then when I'm alone, back in my room, I tend to run things over and I started to see things which are not so apparent from the surface.

It's not exactly fun. It was 'painful' sometimes, because I discovered many things about myself, and others, but mainly myself. I become aware of the many hidden intentions and insufficiency and insecurities that I have in myself. I know I'm judging myself. And I know I shouldn't judge others, more so myself. I feel sad, and sometimes get angry over myself. I longed for change. I even wanted to change myself overnight, once I see my 'ugly' side.

But later on, I learned that there's a second line that follows the first quote. It says, the second step is to accept.

It didn't quite stick me for the first time I read the second line. But somehow it sticks to my mind and I carried it on for a few days until just now, I came across this website about the psychology of sexuality and love. It's a long read. And not an easy one because of the many psychological terms.

The essence of it is that it puts a very clear picture on true love and common love. There's no right and wrong here. It's just different needs and perspective. But somehow, the summary is so beautifully crafted that it sort of answers my heart. ;-)

True healing involves two things: (a) to see clearly what is wrong and (b) to have the compassion to call it to change. This means, first of all, that unconditional acceptance of anything gets you nowhere. If you take no responsibility for the world around you, and if you’re unwilling to call error for what it is—that is, if you’re always missing the point—then you contribute nothing of any healing value to the world. And that’s not love. On the other hand, if you treat error with hatred, condemning it to hell, the bitter poison in your own heart will end up condemning you to hell. And that’s not love either.

And so it is with your own mental health. First you have to recognize your life for what it is, being honest about your emotional pain and all the mistakes and errors you’ve committed trying to hide from your despair. And then you have to listen to that despair with compassion and let it tell its whole story, so that the very core of your heart will be transformed—rather than push your despair into some dark corner of your unconscious to be seduced with . . . perversion.

I really enriched myself spiritually through the article. It explains a lot of things that confused me - you've to read it for yourself. I make a promise to myself to be more compassionate and gentle to myself the next time I find me judging myself. Well, it's certainly not an answer to end, I'm still on my quest finding the answer, as well as my spiritual partner. ;-)

ps: Is this post somehow confusing? Never mind, you don't have to understand me, you just have to live with me! ;-) hehe. I'm really not too hard to live with after all- you know that right? *wink*